Things haven't been easy for either one of us lately, but I promise you that if I could make it any better for you, I would. I would take all your hurts, dissapointments, fears, and hard times; and put them on me instead... if I could.
I wish I could have carried you and given birth to you.
I wish I could have given you a healthier, better start in life.
I wish I would have been more patient with you when you were little.
I wish I could have known "then" all that I know now, and could change the way I did some things.
But... one thing I would NEVER change is having you as my daughter!!!
I know you see me crying a lot lately, and don't really understand it all. I wish I could explain it to you better than I have. But if you only understand one thing - it is this...That the tears come from my overwhelming love for you. I can never tell you or show you how much I love you. I wish I could, but I can't, because it is beyond what words can say or what actions can show.
I am scared. I am scared of losing you. I am scared of you losing your dreams. I am scared of what our future holds. I am scared of the unknown.
But I do know that the One who gave you to me, the One who loves us both more than we can ever understand... He holds you in His hands, He holds me in His hands, He holds your dreams and your future in His hands. And He has never let me down.
Yet I still fight to hold on to my own dreams sometimes...and right now "you" are the center of my dreams.
Although I want to lock the doors, and hold you in my arms forever; I know that would be selfish - you have so much to give the world, so many people's lives that I know you are going to change. So...I have to give God my dreams, my fears, and even my love for you - and let Him have complete control. I know He won't let us down!!!!
I see that you feel things are "different" for you, because there are some things that we have or know for the twins, that we don't know or have for you - because they were adopted as embryos and I gave birth to them. I wish there was a way I could somehow show you the level of love I have for each of you, so you could see that my love for you is every bit as much as my love for them.
Although I have a passion for encouraging others to adopt - sometimes I wish I could just go back and pretend like we are a "normal" family (as if there were such a thing). Not because I am ashamed of adoption, but because I don't want you to feel any different. I don't want people to see us any different.
I wish I knew the answers - how to find the perfect ballance between protecting your health and letting you live a normal life. How much to shelter you from the hurts of the world and how much to let you learn on your own. When to hold you tight and love on you, and when to let you go out on your own - trusting that you will make the right decisions.
I am SO very, very proud of you!!! I love you so much, and I want the world to know how much I love you!! Not to embarrace you, but to hopefully show you that the things I do (although sometimes may not be the right things) are all because I love you so much.
As we head into this next journey in life - your teenage years, these new health issues, music, internet, tv, school, LIFE...I know I will make mistakes, but I hope at the end of that journey and the beginning of the next; that we will be able to look back and see that not only did we make it through, but hopefully that we can see that we came through it closer to God, closer to each other, and both of us praising God for all He has done and will do for us.
I love you baby girl! You may be as tall as me now, but to me, I still see the bald headed, blue eyed wonder that I rocked to sleep each night.
I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My baby you'll be!!!!
