My hands hold safely to my dream
Around the age of 15 or 16, I began to dream of being a mom.
Clutching tightly not one has fallen.
More than that, I felt like it was God's call on my life - my purpose.
So many years I've shaped each one
Several years later, when Matt and I got married,
I felt like my dreams to be a mom would soon be fulfilled.
Reflecting my heart, showing who I am.
When I first discovered we were looking at infertility issues,
I questioned God: Why would you call me to do something,
And then not let me be able to do it.
I felt like I couldn't be who I was meant to be.
Now you're asking me to show
What I'm holding Oh so tightly.
Can't open my hand; can't let go
Does it matter?
Should I show you?
Can't you let me go?
Over and over again,
I felt like I was struggling with giving my dreams to God.
I knew that He had given them to me.
I knew that He was in control of them.
But all I wanted to do was hold onto them so tightly.
Surrender, surrender
You whisper gently
You say I will be free
I know but can't you see
My dreams are me, My dreams are me
We began doing foster care,
Which I believe was part of God's plan all along.
But my heart still longed for a child to keep, a child of my own.
And I continued to dream,
and I continued to struggle with holding on,
or surrendering my dreams to God.
Say you have a plan for me
When we had been married for 4 years,
we adopted our first son,
our 12 year old foster son.
And that you want the best for my life.
Although I was very happy to have a child,
my heart still ached for a baby,
and for a chance to be pregnant.
Told me the world has yet to see
What you can do with one
That's committed to your call.
Through it all,
God remained the most important to me,
And I wanted to please Him with my life.
I know of course what I should do
That I can't hold these dreams forever.
Then God blessed us with a baby.
Through foster care, we got a 3 week old baby.
We adopted her 19 months later.
I finally had my baby, and I was VERY happy.
But I still wanted to experience pregnancy.
But if I give them now to you
11 rounds of clomid
2 IUI's
How much is trying "too" much, were we surrendering to God?
Will you take themAway forever?
After 7 years of trying,
I read an article about embryo adoption
God spoke clearly to my heart,
And I knew that was what He wanted me to do.
Or can I dream again?
A few months later,
we had 2 frozen embryos thawed,
both survived and were placed in my womb.
37 weeks later I delivered twins.
God let me experience pregnancy
with not only one, but TWO babies!
This is my infertility and adoption story put together with "Surrender" by Barlow Girl.
Everyone's story is different, but God has a plan for each of us.
"For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you" Jer. 29:11
Some people may eventually conceive on their own, some may successfully have a child through embryo adoption, and some may have a child through traditional adoption. But regardless of the end of our stories, all of us who have faced or are facing infertility share some things. Infertility is a deeply emotional life event. It hurts, it is frustrating. It doesn't seem fair that some people have many children then don't take care of them. Mother's day, baby showers, the birth of friends or family member's babies - all bring mixed emotions including tremendous pain and feelings of a loss. But in the end, the awesome thing is, we ALL have the possibility to become parents. God knows your dreams, and God knows His plans for you... I don't know what either of those are, and I don't know if your dreams are the same as God's plan for you. But I do know this: If you choose to surrender your life to God, you will never be dissappointed. In the end, He will give you the best.
I want this blogsite to be for those who have been down the road of infertility and overcome it, for those who have been traveling down that road for a long time and are tired and frustrated, and for those who are just starting down that road.
A few weeks ago in church, my husband who is a pastor, quoted Psalm 126:5 "Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy." Although I think this verse is talking about sowing to reach the lost for Christ and how happy we are when someone accepts Christ; I also think it applies to infertility. That verse stuck in my head that day. I thought about all the tears we shed as we longed for a child to love, as year after year went by. Then I thought about how God knew all along that He had my children already picked out for me. And I thought about the days that we finally experienced joy - the days we received all 4 of our children.
There are many people dealing with infertility, but there are even more children needing a loving home. Children in foster care here in America, children in orphanages around the world, and children frozen in time as embryos... so many choices... so many children... so many hurting couples... All with the possibility to make a family.
